by Kent Sterling
Because of connections within the Tiger Woods camp, we have received what is reported to be an early copy of the statement Tiger Woods will read Friday morning at 11:30a in Ponte Vedra:
“Thank you for coming. I want you to know how deeply sorry I am for the behavior that caused so much turmoil and pain for my family and fans. First, I would like to publicly apologize to my lovely wife Elin whose curiosity, temper, strength, and financial shrewdness I underestimated. My life would have been much easier if I had simply said no to the dozens if not hundreds of waitresses, bartenders, prostitutes, hotel maids, strippers, blackjack dealers, WalMart cashiers, sandwich artists, pedestrians, professional shoppers, and dog groomers who asked if my Escalade was comfortable with the seat down.
“I would also like to apologize to golf fans everywhere for letting them down. You counted on me to either be true to Elin (deliberately and with emphasis) – the most beautiful and supportive woman in the world – or at the minimum, use my fame and fortune to score with better than the waitress from Perkin’s, who looks eerily similar to the Meredith character on “The Office”.
“As you can see, my physical scars have healed. My emotional scars were attended to at a facility in Mississippi. My financial scars? The bleeding continues. My marriage will be strong again as the trust with Elin (deliberately and with emphasis) – the most beautiful and supportive woman in the world – is rebuilt through my one-day-at-a-time approach to my addiction which led to so many thrilling yet ultimately unpleasant interludes in the Escalade, with the exception of those with the waitress from Perkin’s. Those cannot be explained other than to say they were unpleasant from start to finish and if anything should reaffirm in the mind of my wife Elin (deliberately and with emphasis) – the most beautiful and supportive woman in the world – and the collective mind of America that I am a sex addict, it is my repeated dalliances with her.
“Please allow my family to continue healing without further intrusion. I will return to competition at Arnold Palmer’s Bay Hill Invitational. Please respect my privacy. Please respect the privacy of my wife Elin (deliberately and with emphasis) – the most beautiful and supportive woman in the world. And for those of you who may have enjoyed a respectable payday from time-to-time at the expense of my addiction, please do not wait on me, deal to me, dance for me, clean for me, or approach me while wearing fishnet stockings and a short leather skirt.
“Thank you”
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I don’t think humor was a good addition to this speech. What he did was not funny. It was so painful for so many people and to make jokes about it is in bad taste and just confirms that he doesn’t deserve very much respect, if any.
Jamie, you are a moron.
and?
Jamie. You are an idiot
That is all
What is Satire for 400 Alex
This riting make me laff LOLS and ROFLMAOS!!! FART!!!
jamie, you were probably redirected here from extra mustard…either way what else can you do but laugh at that moron (tiger, not Kent).
Slightly humorous at best. Predictable at worst. But if nothing else, pretty accurate. If I hear one more blah blah blah what would you do if you had beautiful women throwing them selves at you blah blah blah. They were hookers and whores that he was buying things for (i.e. paying). Anyone can do that. As weak of an excuse as it is, I would say he does have a medical problem. It’s called being mentally ill.
I would give Tiger a BJ any day, and I’m married! He’s rich and hot, he can’t help it that so many women want him. And his wife gets all his money, so she shouldn’t complain.
I’m with Jenna on this one. Hell, I’d probably blow Tiger if I could get a good enough get up to dupe him, although it may not take much. He is a sex addict.
What I would do if I was rich, good looking and had beautiful women throwing themselves at me is easy … I WOULDN”T GET MARRIED!!!! If you can’t say no, then don’t say no, F*ck ‘em all, just stay single.
It was one thing to be the greatest golfer in the ever, which encouraged me to pursue an unattainable goal. Now the bastard has added to my “never to be attained” goals! Unless of course I win the lottery, which won’t improve my game, but it will improve my chances at this “now” additional goal, Tiger has presented!
Cheers, Dan
Opps,
Greatest golfer in the world, ever!
Wher all da White Women at !!!!