By Jeff Showalter
What in the hell am I thinking? It’s gorgeous outside, the wife is at work, and I’ve got some tasks I could be doing. Yet, the couch is calling for me to spend the beautiful day on the couch. It’s Sunday at Augusta and this Masters looks as though it could be one of those classic finishes that keeps golf fans on the edge of their seat waiting to see which golfer flinches first.
Hold on, that’s really not the reason. The reason to watch is because Tiger Woods is in third place, four shots back of Lee Westwood and three fro Phil Mickelson. Can Tiger really win the first tournament he plays after a 144 day layoff because he got caught by his wife for sleeping with skanks, strippers and whores? Can Phil, in his new found role of the morally correct, loving husband hold off the sexual miscreant while chasing the quiet Brit? Damn! This is like Dallas or Dynasty merged with the PGA for a new Friday night show. “How the putter stands up to all this pressure” has taken a whole new meaning.
To be honest, I don’t really care if Tiger nails every stripper from Los Angeles to Miami. I’m not really all that judgemental when it comes to cheating, because it isn’t any of my business. I really wonder more on why he got married and how freaking stupid is wife, Elin, is since she had no idea that Tiger was going thru women like I drink Diet Pepsi’s. There are two issues about Tiger that I do find rather alarming. 1) The Nike commercial is just stupid. It is out of context and from the research I’ve done, his dad liked the ladies as much as the son. That apple never fell off the tree! 2) Why does anyone need 90 security guards, former FBI and Secret Service agents included, to guard you at the most secure golf course in America? Isn’t that a little overkill. For me, nothing shows that Tiger is more whacked out, with no sense of reality then this. Ninety security guards is Michael Jackson-esque! Tiger may have gone Jacko on us. What does ninety security guys do? That is five guards per whole, almost seven guards per club. Isn’t that a little much. That doesn’t include that psycho punk caddie, Stevie Williams, who takes pleasure in going at fans that piss off golf’s new Howard Hughes.
I’ still going to watch. I hope Tiger makes a run so it is really interesting. I hope Phil doesn’t do anything stupid like he has done at the US Open. I hope Fred Couples can keep playing well at age 50 with a 75 year old back. I hope it is a fun final day at the Masters. TMZ and I will be watching.
