by Kent Sterling
Technology has changed since the night of July 31, 2003, when Louisville basketball coach Rick Pitino either had consensual sex with or raped Karen Sypher on a table at a Louisville restaurant after closing.
Those leaps in technology have put a camcorder in the hands of virtually everyone who owns a cell phone. Back in 2003, a famous person could act crazy and get away with it. Not anymore, so maybe what we learn from the Pitino drama unfolding today as the coach reportedly will testify against Cypher, who is accused of trying to extort cash, cars, and a house for her silence regarding a sexual liaison between she and Pitino.
There are many lessons available for those in the public eye (or not) in this melodrama that has taken almost exactly seven years to play out:
- Never trust a woman willing to spread her legs on the table of an Italian restaurant after closing.
- If you’re in a restaurant after closing, nothing good will happen. (This is a variation on my Dad’s old axiom “Nothing good happens after midnight.”) The owner brings out a bottle, and the bartenders and servers all start pounding. You’ve already been there for six hours. That’s not your second wind, it’s your brain relinquishing control.
- Sluts are drawn to money like moths to a flame. If you have money, don’t have sex with any woman who flirts with you. They all have an agenda. Some are harmless, but others will take wallet and your soul.
- Make your celly work for you. Ask all irresponsible sexual conquests to affirm digitally (on the camcorder, not with their finger!) they are participating in consensual sex.
- If you are over 35, and the woman is under 28, run for your life. Those relationships never work – ever. Ask Steve McNair.
- If you are over 50, walk quickly (no point in inviting a heart attack by running) from any women who claims a desire to have sex. No woman wants to have sex with a man over 50. They might trade sex for something else, but whatever pleasure she derives from your drunken congress will come at your expense later.
I met a guy who said, “I’ll never have sex with anyone other than (my wife) because when I’m under anesthesia I say crazy shit, and sure as hell I’ll talk about it.” Hey, whatever keeps your johnson in your drawers, but there are a million great reasons for being true to your vows. The last seven years have been a constant reminder to Pitino, and they can be for all of us too.
A Seventh Lesson: If a woman unzips your pants, you obviously have no alternative but to impregnate her right then and there. Saying “No, thanks, honey, I’m a married man.” is not an option.
An Eighth Lesson: Also, after impregnating the woman who unzips your pants, in lieu of something as old-fashioned as a bouquet of flowers or a thank you note (or even a C-note), wait until the pregnancy is medically confirmed, and then have a minion pay for an abortion (to be reimbursed indirectly) and/or marry the woman. In that order. Do not deviate from the order.
he’s a sick bastard regardless of his wealth or fame.