Kent Sterling’s Indiana University Fantasy Camp is going to be different from Victor Oladipo’s

Victor Oladipo is going to host a basketball fantasy at Indiana University, so I’m thinking about hosting an IU fantasy camp of my own.

Here’s the info on Vic’s:

The Victor Oladipo Basketball Fantasy Experience in partnership with Indiana Basketball provides fans with the opportunity to spend a weekend in the life of a Hoosiers basketball player. Attendees have the option to play or coach and will receive expert instruction from Victor Oladipo, head coach Archie Miller, the current IU men’s basketball staff, former IU basketball greats, and other celebrity guests. The event will be held in the world-famous Simon Skjodt Assembly Hall and the state-of-the-art Hoosiers Basketball practice facilities.

The cost for this weekend of sweating and exertion is $3,995 or $5,995, depending upon your appetite for swag and bonus amenities.  (For comparison purposes, my entire freshman year at IU cost my parents $3,300.). Eligibility requires participant be 30 or older.

The specific itinerary is not available, but I expert extreme exercise is part of the curriculum.

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I am considering hosting my own Kent Sterling Indiana University Fantasy Camp, which will immerse participants in the culture of Indiana University as we knew it and the cost will be much more reasonable.

Below is the itinerary for my event that may take place on the same three days as Vic’s weekend of cramps, pulls, and icings:

Friday, August 23rd

8a-10a – Check in at the luxurious Hampton Inn on Walnut, just south of SR 46.

10a – Grand Slam Breakfast at Denny’s – 40 feet northeast of the Hampton.

10:45a – Welcome kegger at the pool of the apartment complex formerly known as Walnut Knolls.  Due to time constraints and aversion to physical activity, we ask campers to refrain from swimming.  Pool side activities are limited to ogling.

11:00a – We board A Buses at Memorial Stadium for a comfortable cruise through campus to Kirkwood and Indiana, make the 74 yard walk to Nick’s, and hunker down in the Hump Room for a brief eight-hour game of Sink the Biz, interrupted only by infusions of strombolis and onion rings.

8p – A line of taxis from the Great Pumpkin Cab Company will be waiting to shuttle all participants to Kilroy’s Sports where we will provide a spontaneous symposium for current students entitled, “Wasting time productively.”  Breakout sessions will include “Turning four years of education into a six-year marathon of fun,” “Choosing laughter with friends over snobby girls,” and “Drinking like Sinatra.”

1a – Taxis outfitted with sacks of tacos, chalupas, and burritos from Taco Bell will ferry participants to Assembly Hall where a door propped open by an easily paid off custodian will allow campers to enjoy an endless snack in the men’s basketball locker room.

3a – Bedtime (Each room will be equipped with a caged canary to gauge methane levels for camper safety.)

Saturday, August 24th

10a – Jim Izard/Ron Felling memorial wake up beers are served in each camper’s room.

10:15a – Prank phone calls to other guest rooms offering a free stay if they agree to come to the front desk and switch rooms immediately.

10:30a – Breakfast at Denny’s, where will talk about playing golf at the IU course but dismiss the idea because the track is too tight, and drinking beers at Nick’s sounds like more fun.

11a – Splashing students at bus stops (weather permitting).  Rental cars from Ugly Duckling will be provided to all campers, and a tour of Bloomington’s best splashing spots will be led by Len Totlan – IU’s all-time leading splasher.

12p – Lunch at Nick’s.  This is scheduled to end at 1:30p, but will linger until 5p as one beer leads to another and leaving where we are already having a great time will be dismissed as ridiculous.

5p – Walk to Brother’s where we will order pork brain sandwiches, which were always the special at the Peanut Barrel – the bar which formerly occupied that space.  Annoyed servers will eventually ask campers to leave.

9p – Count Bop & the Headliners at the Bluebird.  Golf carts will convey campers across the street to the Bluebird for a trip back in time for a concert by the heirs to the Dr. Bop throne.  The great Dr. Bop passed away over a decade ago, but the Count, Senator Floyd, and the Velendez Sisters continue to play oldies will tequila-fueled energy.

9:30p – Back across the street to Brother’s where another demand for a pork brains sandwich is answered by a threat to call the cops.

10p – A trip to the Delta Gamma sorority house where we demand to see our daughters immediately.  We tear through the house yelling about safety, grades, and idiot boyfriends.  Each camper will talk to a DG about how our lives are not what we dreamed, how our kids are disappointing, and hope empathy brings an invitation to continue our talk somewhere more private.

1a – Back to Taco Bell and then Assembly Hall for a second infusion of barely solid beef, cheese, and dozens of packets of hot sauce.

Sunday, August 24th

9a – Ambulances will be lined up outside the Hampton Inn to convey campers to Bloomington Memorial Hospital for a battery of tests to provide a unique prognosis for each camper, complete with updated life expectancy.

Cost – $699

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